Friday, August 7, 2015

My face is weird.

(Note to self: Stop castigating yourself for letting this blog lie dormant for years at a time. Sometimes you wanna say stuff and this is a good place to put it. And that's all good.)

I've been working on something lately, and it's alternately really funny and really difficult.

See, I have this twofold problem: A raging case of resting bitchface and a major, physical inability to keep my emotions from showing on my face. (Several of you are laughing and nodding right now.)

The former has caused me some awkward situations. When I'm thinking hard, distracted/focusing on a number of things at once, or even just staring off and thinking of nothing in particular, I look so angry. The perfect example of this happened a few years ago.

I was standing in line behind a woman at a fast food restaurant. I was thinking that she had the most beautiful hair that I'd ever seen and wondering if it would be weird to tell her that she had nice hair, when she turned around briefly and made eye contact for just a second, then turned around again.

After she got her food, she turned to me and snapped "When you look at people ugly it makes you ugly too" and stomped out before I could reply, leaving me stunned and embarrassed. I mean... I was standing there thinking complimentary things about her, and unknowingly half-glaring at her. Oops.

 So I try to keep a pleasant look on my face and wind up feeling like

The other thing is a lot harder: this huge inability to hide my emotions. On one hand it's fun, because when I'm excited or happy I light up like a Christmas tree and can't help but project my enjoyment. That part is all good. I love sharing that part of myself The more, the merrier.

But on the other hand, UGH. That works both ways--so anger and sadness do the same thing. I joke that telling me to hide it is like telling other people "Hey, make the blood in your veins run in the opposite direction." 

My face does ... I don't know. A thing. Nobody can adequately describe it to me, but everyone who knows me well agrees that there is definitely A Recognizable Thing. Not like sprouting horns, but some sort of expression. And when I'm at my angriest I literally turn colors. I get all red and blotchy from the collarbone up. I think it's the pale skin. It's super attractive, lemme tell you. 

A while back there was an incident that had angered me--a lot--in a place where there were a lot of people. I wanted to take a little while alone to calm down, so I composed my face I thought and went to retrieve my bag near where a friend was sitting. She barely glanced up as I walked in, and immediately did a double take with huge eyes, dropped what she was doing, got up, and followed me out of the room. "WHAT HAPPENED". 

Seriously, you guys. I'm BAD at this. Take whatever the opposite of a poker face is, double it, and there's me. I'm working on it. 

If you think you've seen what I look like mad, you probably haven't. Those of you who have seen it are very aware, and yes I am laughing as I type this. I can at least laugh at this damnable trait--at least when I'm not in the throes of it. 

Hey face. Behave yo'self. I know you can do it!